just five days away

I am sipping homemade spiced apple cider from a (giant) pink mug and listening to The Carpenters Christmas Album. It is my favorite of all Christmas music collections. Karen Carpenter was and still is my parent's favorite female vocalist - so naturally, our home was full of her voice during all Christmases growing up. Sitting here in the middle of my bed, being transported by Karen to Christmases past is making me feel a little sad, because deep down I am lonely.

Or maybe the loneliness I am feeling now is actually a yearning for the warmth and love of my family, which I have probably taken for granted in the past. I've grown so accustomed to their readiness to be by my side when I need them. Yet this winter I've managed to find a lot of strength on my own and in my self. I have rarely called on them for help or comfort this time, unlike times of heartache in the past. It has been very hard for me, and still is a struggle at times - but I have truly embraced aloneness for the first time in my life. I think that because loneliness, and learning how to be alone has been such a huge theme and learned ability in my life recently, that the togetherness of family seems special in an entirely different way than it has before.

The winters of my mid-twenties have consistently brought deep aches and pains with them, and so I have not had a Christmas where my heart has been particularly light and happy in several years. Despite what may be hurting me now, I am determined to be happy this year. I won't let any one or any thing or any memory take my Christmas away from me!

I hope (to whom it applies) you all are choosing a happy Christmas, too.

Ps. Has anyone seen the moon? She is hiding behind the clouds and I cannot see her!