01 August 2014
27 May 2014
20 April 2014
07 April 2014
04 April 2014
I spent several days in New York at the beginning of my spring break. I returned on Monday, but continue to be there in my mind. Oddly enough, I was anxious about leaving for the city last week; I wasn't sure I really wanted to go. I took a red-eye flight the last day of my finals (which I dreaded) and was feeling that after a few months of school work and stress, what I really needed was some rest and relaxation – not five days in the biggest and busiest city in the United States. I worried I wouldn't have the energy that New York requires to enjoy it, and that apart from seeing some much-missed friends, I was making a hasty decision to go when I did.
When I arrived, it was so early that the moon was still a sliver hanging low in the sky. I was exhausted – but as soon as my bus from the airport started off through Brooklyn's streets, and the sun started to pour its light over the city, I realized how glad I was to be there. Rather than exhaust me further, my time in New York rejuvenated and inspired me. I was struck with how bored and blue I've been at home in Seattle. I have been living a fairly isolated life for the past two years; nothing but school and sleep with some small fragments of fun and friends in between. My social circle has diminished substantially, partly by my own choosing, partly by circumstance. Apart from feeling good about the choices I've made regarding my education, my life right now is not what I imagined it would be.
I've also realized that I have been settling for so much less than what I know I want and deserve, both in my own attitude and outlook, and in other areas, too. My confidence and sense of self has slowly been chipping away. The friends I have in the city and the overall energy that lives there reminded me of what it is that makes me thrive. In New York, I felt like a happier, better person – and there were a couple of exchanges along the way that for me, were symbolic of what could be.
As this season nears an end (I should be getting my associates this summer), I have been wondering what my next step will be. I need to decide which schools to apply to, how I am going to get there and what I will do to be able to afford it (I'm counting on grants and scholarships - hoping to avoid loans as much as possible) – all of which are a source of major anxiety. To be honest, I have been avoiding those questions a lot, mostly out of fear. I have known for a while now that I don't want to stay in Washington – every way I look at life here seems like a dead end. I'm ready for something different. I need new opportunities, a fresh scene and some unfamiliarity to get me out of this rut I've slowly made my way into.
I don't want to say that I'm doing something and then never follow through on it, as I have done so many times before, but I am feeling pretty confident that a big change is what I want and need. Every morning this week I have woken up with New York on my mind, and it stays with me throughout the day. It's a place I told myself at the age of 15 that I would live someday. I think it's time. It's where I need to be, it's where I should be going. A lot must be done before I will be prepared to make that kind of move, but lots of people do it – I can do it. Meanwhile, I must cling to this feeling that I brought home with me, so that I don't lose sight of my dreams and desires. I need it to sustain me and propel me forward.
15 March 2014
01 March 2014
“I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one. . . . Humans are caught—in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too—in a net of good and evil. . . . There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well—or ill?” ― John Steinbeck, East of Eden
27 February 2014
23 February 2014
Responsibilities of the day-to-day keep me held captive in the city. The stresses of assignments and writing papers and studying and memorizing mathematical formulas leave me craving fresh air and still, quiet places. I was happy today to retreat to one of our many little islands. It was only for a little while, but it allowed me a moment to breathe. It also provided the occasion for some picture-taking (mostly with film, which I'll hopefully be processing this week). Ashley and Olivia were swathed in all the right colors for this monotone day.
21 January 2014
Really loving the bright colors of these Matisse paintings lately. I'd love to have a huge print of the first one on my wall someday. A perfect palette. And, it reminds me of warm, Spanish summer days – a feeling I miss more than just about anything.
Winter quarter is rolling along at a very slow speed so far. Despite taking sixteen credits, I haven't been very busy. It is nice in a way, but it's making me pretty lazy. I tend to work better under some pressure, but there has been very little if any at all over the past few weeks. So instead of being productive, I find myself watching one rerun after another of The Good Wife.
Man, I love that show.