I started my Sunday slowly, lounging about, drinking tea, clicking around the internet, watching a movie my uncle lent me. There were scenes in the movie that had me wishing I lived in a white house with a sun room, nestled up to a river in the English countryside and my only means of transportation was a small, wooden rowboat. It would serve well for afternoon tea and cake with my friends, star gazing at night and endless amounts of swimming and sun bathing in the summertime. Sounds like a dream to me.
It was a rainy, blustery, chilly day but after hiding away from the weather for most of the weekend, I decided to venture out to the Ballard farmer's market. I toted along with me my terrarium that I built several months ago at The Palm Room and the smoky glass container which once contained a plant that I somehow managed to kill. The girl that works there (I feel terrible for not knowing her name by now, I go in there so often) is always so sweet and helpful. She and the owner helped me to give my terrarium some encouragement, and also provided me with a new Purple Ruffled Peperomia. I originally picked out that plant because of it's purply-pink stems and was awfully sad when I slowly and unintentionally took it's life. They had only one left when I popped in today; we were meant to be. I am determined to do a better job this time.
There was a small estate sale in an emptied out shop along Ballard Avenue, where I found a few new dishes and a tiled table with brass legs for a very small sum ($12!). I think I may be accumulating a little too much furniture for this small space, so after I scrounge up the money to buy this bookcase (as a room divider) and this desk - I'll be done. I think. The table is good, though, because it encourages me to sit in my pink chair which typically, until now, has only served as something to look at.
Due to the weather, I spent a lot of my time indoors this weekend, wondering, reflecting... Perhaps too much. I've written a few things and then left them alone, never being able to really figure out how to explain or express what I've been feeling. Or I suppose the real problem was, I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I think I have it figured out now.
Time is moving in a strange way. It has been nearly six months since I moved into this apartment, only about four months since my heart's last disaster, and just three months since I had a real break from this city. Yet it seems that all of these things either just happened, happened ages ago, or are lost somewhere in between. My feelings, regarding my heart specifically, are so confused and I often feel like I'm on the fritz. Last week was especially strange for me, in addition to my heart troubles, between being harassed on the bus and then smashing my thumb - everything felt all too negative and unfair. I am feeling much better now, however I'm beginning to sound like I might be a bit emotionally off balance - and apparently, hormonally, I am.
I never really divulge any sort of real personal information here, but it's becoming all too clear to me that it's showing through in a rather unattractive way - even here. So, I guess I would like to clear things up. I was informed by my doctor a few weeks ago that I have very low progesterone levels, which is most likely the cause of many a trouble. For example; anxiety, skin problems (which make me feel horribly ugly and thus, depressed), insomnia, emotional instability, etc. These are all things I have been struggling with and they are all things that are normally not an issue for me. I had been assuming all along that it was strictly due to all of the changes in my life, all of the adjusting - the struggle of being alone, having a broken heart and trying to figure out my place in my new and scary life. I never considered that perhaps there might be something more going on, and I must say, in some way it is a relief that it's not all in my head or heart.
I could go into how this happened, but that's more information than I think I need to share. What matters is that I now know what's going on inside of my body and what needs to be done to fix it. Needless to say, until we can get everything regulated and back to normal, I might remain a little bit crazy. So, thank you for the support that so many of you give me, be you friends or strangers - who in so many ways have become my friends, too. I am on a bit of a difficult journey right now, but I trust that there will be a resumption of calm and peace eventually, and hopefully soon.
And with that, I hope you all had a lovely and restful weekend.