09 November 2007
I wish I could look this adorable when I'm wearing my glasses. I read the sartorialist every day (where I got this picture). I've always secretly hoped that someday he might stop me and ask to take my picture! although I'd probably end up being so nervous that the picture would turn out horrible!
He wrote once about this girl that he photographed twice - but at completely different times - and didn't even realize it was the same girl until she had told him he had before because she seemed so different. She told him that when he first photographed her, she had just moved to Manhattan and didn't know anybody. I wish I had the time to find this particular entry of his right now but I have to wake up at 5am for work... Basically what he said really struck a chord with me and has had me thinking about it ever since. He pointed out that this girl changed so much since he first saw her and he could tell not only by how she was dressed, but by the way she carried herself. He said she had an air of confidence that she didn't have before. Like she finally knew who she was. Then he pointed out that maybe she had always known who she was, but that people (our families, friends, etc.) always think they know who you are better than you do. Or they think they know who you are, and because they do, you feel like you have to stay in this mold of the person they think they know. But if you get away from all of that, you might finally be able to become the person you really are - because they won't be there to judge you and say, "No, that's not you! You're not like this, you're like that!"
I've really been wondering lately... is that the case with me? I honestly believe sometimes that the people around me and closest to me don't know who I really am. I have this true self inside me that I'm afraid to be because everyone I know will tell me that's not who I really am, because they aren't familiar with that person. There were times in my relationship with my ex (who I swore knew me better than anybody I'd ever known) when I would look at him and wonder, "Do you even know who I am?". Maybe he didn't.
I've had this yearning to move away from here where nobody knows me, or at least don't know me well enough to point out the difference. I've been floating for the past 5 years and can't make up my mind about anything. I don't know what I want to be, or what I want to do with my life - and I know I've never actually done anything that I've really wanted to do. I find myself always struggling to figure out what I'm actually good at. People have told me my whole life what I'm good at - but what do I think I'm good at? I don't know! I can't decide. I can't place a finger on anything that I feel particularly confident in. I set goals but I never make them and then I always have an excuse for why I didn't reach them. Maybe that's because I've never been left to figure out what I want on my own.
So, I wonder... if I left, if I started all over again somewhere else - would I become me? And if I could finally become me, would I finally be able to decide what I want? Would I figure out what I'm good at and be able to stick with it? Would I be able to set goals and accomplish them? Would I develop this confidence and comfort with myself like the girl in Manhattan?
Would finding myself really be what I was doing? Or would it just be running from a life and a world that I'm not particularly happy in?
If I were running away... would that be so bad?