21 January 2011

friday and me

Several months ago, I would have found staying at home alone on a Friday evening to be devastating. I would have felt incredibly depressed, knowing that all of my friends were out having a good time together while I was probably very bored and lonely. I would have had a very hard time finding a way to snap out of my terrible mood. I confess, I would have pouted, childishly, and thought silly thoughts and felt sorry for myself. Ugh, how very unattractive... I am not proud of this.

This evening, I contemplated going out (with who, I don't know - the previously mentioned friends from those times are, sadly, no longer my friends) but decided I would be happy to stay home. There were some bananas that had accumulated in my freezer, so I found my favorite recipe and made some whole wheat banana bread. While it was baking I whipped up some english double cream to dollop on top. It was delicious (I only had a little bit - I have to be careful with all of this baking I've been doing). Then I realized, It's 9 o'clock on a Friday night. I can hear the happenings of Capitol Hill from my apartment - clusters of friends laughing and happy couples on their way out to enjoy an evening of socializing and (probably) drinking - and here I am, all alone at home without a desire to call anyone for company or conversation, and I feel okay. I feel glad to be enjoying my own company, and I don't mind one bit that I'll probably go to bed before midnight. 

I know this has been a theme lately - so I apologize for any redundancy. However this has not been an easy ability for me to acquire, and I haven't even nearly perfected it yet. I still often feel sad and lonely (like last weekend, for example) and get caught up in recalling people and places that I miss, or have other various feelings (anger, hurt, confusion) of a certain kind for. I know that is okay, though. What I've been going through is not a linear process - so I can promise that I'll be reflecting on it quite a bit.  It certainly isn't easy, but I am grateful that I am learning important things right now. I am learning how to be alone - and that is good, because I think I probably will be - and should be - for a while.

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