31 October 2011

A N   O D E   T O   H O M E

My last moments at home.

I have been laying awake on my parent's couch for the past few hours. I awoke because I knew I wasn't where I "belong". This couch is not my bed, this place is not my home. I am mourning the loss of my favorite spot, that warm glowing abode that I was so lucky to inhabit for a year of my life.

It's interesting for me to look back, and see how drastically things have changed. I was clicking through old entries, hoping to find connections to the past - little moments in my apartment that I cherished so dearly. I found this entry from last February, and oh - how sad I was! Of course then, a change of scenery seemed to be the answer, but I was merely just depressed from some pretty hard changes several months before. I must say it's encouraging to look back at a time that was so dark and see the progress, the growth and the results. It was not my surroundings that needed changing after all, it was simply an internal change that needed to take place. I just needed time, I needed healing and closure.

Now I can say that I am so happy I stayed put, that I learned how to be alone and that I learned how truly great it is. I had such a difficult time being on my own in the beginning - living all by myself. In fact, as you might recall, I hated it. Granted, it was a very hard time to be alone. But now, how things have changed! I love to be alone and that apartment became my own little piece of heaven. I am so glad I didn't give it up then.

Moving out of my place, after how hard I worked to be happy not only there, but in my own head and heart (little side self-pep talk: for the sake of traveling - which will be amazing and worth it!) is so much more difficult than I anticipated it would be. I've moved out of apartments before, but this place was different for me. I experienced a lot there, I felt a lot there, I grew to love it as though it were a friend - and it was a great friend, as silly as it sounds (every moment spent in there felt like a big hug!). I suppose I'm just realizing that right now seems hard, just as last fall was hard. This is in a different way, but still I am losing something I loved - and it's okay to grieve that for as long as I need to - but it's important to remember that things will switch over soon. Soon things won't look so bad. Soon the east side won't seem so awful (maybe I'm getting ahead of myself by saying that!), soon this new lifestyle won't seem so uncomfortable. Soon I will be boarding a plane to major adventures abroad, and then I will look back on this time with fondness for whatever it is I'm about to learn.

So tomorrow- er, today - I will step into my home for the last time. I will clear out everything that is left and say goodbye for now. I am kind of hoping that when I return from my travels it will be up for rent again and then my good old friend, Apartment 201 and I can pick up right where we left off.

Ps. So much thanks to those friendly faces who came by to my moving sale today. The purchases you made, as well as the encouraging words spoken, will all help to make this transition so much easier. It was wonderful to meet some of my readers. You all are so great!


  1. hello,

    may i ask how you dealt with the changes when you were feeling alone?
    i have supported my boyfriend's band since they began & now we're not together. there is a sinking feeling.
    how did you manage?

  2. i live in ballard and work on the eastside and i know what you mean - it's a little stuffy over there! i like to drown my sorrows in top pot coffee. you can join me, my treat!

  3. I know all too well how this feels! :( Fill your life up with the things that make you happy, try to surround yourself with positive people and do your best to think forward. There's no real answer to getting through hard times. Just know that there will come a day when you won't hurt any longer, although I know how impossible that seems. 
    If you'd like to talk about it more, feel free to send me an email. alysonsharon at gmail.

  4. it was a lovely home, but it was you who made it. you can make your space again. you* have* changed; your tone is so strong & hopeful, adult & inspiring. you will make it through another tough fall & winter with friends, plans for future, and some good visits back to the hill. sending love over to the east side!