a little lost

I was suddenly inspired to hang one of the several framed artworks that have been in a pile on the floor for months now.  This vintage map of Berlin was given to me by my friend Claire, not long after I had traveled there.

I still dream of Germany often and it's memory pulls on my heartstrings. In tired moments, like the one I just expressed earlier this evening, the notion of moving far away sounds like the solution to my problems. A fresh start, a new environment full of possibilities could be the cure to much of what has been ailing me lately. Seattle seems to have nothing to offer me right now. Other than a handful of friends and my family, (which are all incredibly important things to me) I am bored, lonely and find myself wrestling with a passionless life. My skills and talents do not make my time, in the grand scheme of things, feel fruitful.

I spent my entire day in the kitchen, baking a lemon meringue tart for my uncle, and while at the time it made me feel good, it wasn't until I sat down and shared it with him that the time and labor was worth while. I love creating things in general, because then I get to share them with others. If it weren't for that opportunity, I wouldn't do any of it.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I was made to be a nurturer. I invest myself in people and in my surroundings. Baking a tart or illustrating a poster isn't enough for me on it's own. For the past six months I have been pouring myself into all kinds of creative projects, and while I feel proud of them for a moment, it is all fleeting. I need something and someone to care for - that is what makes me flourish. That does not mean, however, that I find my self worth in the love of someone else. It's simply that without companionship, without someone close to experience these things with me, it all just feels rather empty. I have learned how to enjoy being alone, but at the end of the day, when I am by myself in my empty home, all I really want is someone to love and share my life with.

The solitary chair at my tiny kitchen table strikes me as such a sad image every time I look at it. I want a table for two! And yet that is something that I cannot exactly go out and search for, it's something that will come on it's own.

So what am I to do in the meantime? How do I find that fulfillment in my singleness? I am struggling to find the answers and feel so disheartened at times. Perhaps I am looking in the wrong places, but they seem impossible to find.