21 February 2011

a little lost

I was suddenly inspired to hang one of the several framed artworks that have been in a pile on the floor for months now.  This vintage map of Berlin was given to me by my friend Claire, not long after I had traveled there.

I still dream of Germany often and it's memory pulls on my heartstrings. In tired moments, like the one I just expressed earlier this evening, the notion of moving far away sounds like the solution to my problems. A fresh start, a new environment full of possibilities could be the cure to much of what has been ailing me lately. Seattle seems to have nothing to offer me right now. Other than a handful of friends and my family, (which are all incredibly important things to me) I am bored, lonely and find myself wrestling with a passionless life. My skills and talents do not make my time, in the grand scheme of things, feel fruitful.

I spent my entire day in the kitchen, baking a lemon meringue tart for my uncle, and while at the time it made me feel good, it wasn't until I sat down and shared it with him that the time and labor was worth while. I love creating things in general, because then I get to share them with others. If it weren't for that opportunity, I wouldn't do any of it.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I was made to be a nurturer. I invest myself in people and in my surroundings. Baking a tart or illustrating a poster isn't enough for me on it's own. For the past six months I have been pouring myself into all kinds of creative projects, and while I feel proud of them for a moment, it is all fleeting. I need something and someone to care for - that is what makes me flourish. That does not mean, however, that I find my self worth in the love of someone else. It's simply that without companionship, without someone close to experience these things with me, it all just feels rather empty. I have learned how to enjoy being alone, but at the end of the day, when I am by myself in my empty home, all I really want is someone to love and share my life with.

The solitary chair at my tiny kitchen table strikes me as such a sad image every time I look at it. I want a table for two! And yet that is something that I cannot exactly go out and search for, it's something that will come on it's own.

So what am I to do in the meantime? How do I find that fulfillment in my singleness? I am struggling to find the answers and feel so disheartened at times. Perhaps I am looking in the wrong places, but they seem impossible to find.


  1. First of all, your apartment is beautiful and every time you post pictures of it I die.

    Secondly, I think if you're longing to go somewhere, you should go. It sounds like you just need a change of pace and atmosphere. It's funny because I feel bored and lonely here, but I look at your life (through the glimpses given on this blog) and feel envious because it all seems so lovely. Grass is always greener, I suppose. Anyway, as cliche as it is to say, you only live once. Job search online, book a long trip. Amazing things aren't just given to people, we have to set our own wheels in motion. This is something I've had to repeat to myself often these days.

  2. oh, it looks so nice framed! good work :) i think i have a solution to all of this: pastry school in the fall and weekly dinner parties or sleepovers with kristen and i. it will be great!

  3. Designspongeonline.com just recently did a post on framed maps similar to yours - did you see that? I think I need to chase down an old map of new york, which is the place I'm always dreaming of :) it looks really neat!

  4. Oh, no I didn't see that! I'm sure there must be plenty of old New York maps out there. Have you checked ebay? Sometimes that place is a gold mine for those sorts of things.

    How are you Charlotte? Are you back home or still nannying in NYC?

  5. That sounds lovely, Claire. We ought to get together soon - we haven't been very good at seeing each other!

  6. I recently saw my very first movie by myself and really enjoyed it. I have a list of films I'd like to see all alone, but sometimes I have a difficult time forcing myself out of my cozy apartment when it's so cold outside. I cannot stand to be cold!

    My lease is up in June and my job will be moving away from me, so to speak, come September - so we'll see where my path takes me at that point. Maybe I'll move, maybe I won't. The world is open to me, I just need to muster up the courage to go out and explore what's there.

    Thank you for your thoughtful comments and for sharing your single/alone time efforts with me. I'm so glad to have you around these parts!

  7. i know, i know! school is kicking my butt - but guess what? i have THREE weeks off for spring break! March 6-April 1 im yours

  8. Oh, it will be so hard to leave Kai and Asher. I have been with Kai almost every day of his life since he was 4 months old. I am in love with that boy as though he were my own. I'm already heartbroken about not being a part of his every day life any more. I think maybe traveling would be the best way to distract me from the reality of it all. It might make the transition a little easier. Either way I want to do something special or important. I don't want to just resume my life the way it is going now. I need to make a change of some sort.

    I will be excited to hear what you decide to do! You're pretty inspirational to me.

    I found a couple of maps on ebay. They don't have a lot up right now but maybe more will pop up!




  9. I know exactly what you mean. I was a live-in nanny for one year in new york 6 years ago and had the youngest one at home with me every day. I was so in love with that little boy and would gladly have taken him home with me.
    He's almost 8 today and he still holds a very special place in my heart .. He really is the sweetest thing and a big part of the reason for my constant travelling to NY.

    Thank you for finding those maps on ebay - I really appreciate you taking the time to help me!

    oh and btw I understand what you're saying about needing some sort of change. I'm at that place too right now, and find myself almost desperate for a change of scenery. I feel like this is the perfect time for a change in my life, i'm just not sure what that change should be.
    So reading your thoughts on the subject is pretty inspirational to me too :)