21 February 2011

a little lost



I was suddenly inspired to hang one of the several framed artworks that have been in a pile on the floor for months now.  This vintage map of Berlin was given to me by my friend Claire, not long after I had traveled there.

I still dream of Germany often and it's memory pulls on my heartstrings. In tired moments, like the one I just expressed earlier this evening, the notion of moving far away sounds like the solution to my problems. A fresh start, a new environment full of possibilities could be the cure to much of what has been ailing me lately. Seattle seems to have nothing to offer me right now. Other than a handful of friends and my family, (which are all incredibly important things to me) I am bored, lonely and find myself wrestling with a passionless life. My skills and talents do not make my time, in the grand scheme of things, feel fruitful.

I spent my entire day in the kitchen, baking a lemon meringue tart for my uncle, and while at the time it made me feel good, it wasn't until I sat down and shared it with him that the time and labor was worth while. I love creating things in general, because then I get to share them with others. If it weren't for that opportunity, I wouldn't do any of it.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I was made to be a nurturer. I invest myself in people and in my surroundings. Baking a tart or illustrating a poster isn't enough for me on it's own. For the past six months I have been pouring myself into all kinds of creative projects, and while I feel proud of them for a moment, it is all fleeting. I need something and someone to care for - that is what makes me flourish. That does not mean, however, that I find my self worth in the love of someone else. It's simply that without companionship, without someone close to experience these things with me, it all just feels rather empty. I have learned how to enjoy being alone, but at the end of the day, when I am by myself in my empty home, all I really want is someone to love and share my life with.

The solitary chair at my tiny kitchen table strikes me as such a sad image every time I look at it. I want a table for two! And yet that is something that I cannot exactly go out and search for, it's something that will come on it's own.

So what am I to do in the meantime? How do I find that fulfillment in my singleness? I am struggling to find the answers and feel so disheartened at times. Perhaps I am looking in the wrong places, but they seem impossible to find.

9 comments:

  1. First of all, your apartment is beautiful and every time you post pictures of it I die.

    Secondly, I think if you're longing to go somewhere, you should go. It sounds like you just need a change of pace and atmosphere. It's funny because I feel bored and lonely here, but I look at your life (through the glimpses given on this blog) and feel envious because it all seems so lovely. Grass is always greener, I suppose. Anyway, as cliche as it is to say, you only live once. Job search online, book a long trip. Amazing things aren't just given to people, we have to set our own wheels in motion. This is something I've had to repeat to myself often these days.

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  2. oh, it looks so nice framed! good work :) i think i have a solution to all of this: pastry school in the fall and weekly dinner parties or sleepovers with kristen and i. it will be great!

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  3. Designspongeonline.com just recently did a post on framed maps similar to yours - did you see that? I think I need to chase down an old map of new york, which is the place I'm always dreaming of :) it looks really neat!

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  4. Oh, no I didn't see that! I'm sure there must be plenty of old New York maps out there. Have you checked ebay? Sometimes that place is a gold mine for those sorts of things.

    How are you Charlotte? Are you back home or still nannying in NYC?

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  5. That sounds lovely, Claire. We ought to get together soon - we haven't been very good at seeing each other!

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  6. I recently saw my very first movie by myself and really enjoyed it. I have a list of films I'd like to see all alone, but sometimes I have a difficult time forcing myself out of my cozy apartment when it's so cold outside. I cannot stand to be cold!

    My lease is up in June and my job will be moving away from me, so to speak, come September - so we'll see where my path takes me at that point. Maybe I'll move, maybe I won't. The world is open to me, I just need to muster up the courage to go out and explore what's there.

    Thank you for your thoughtful comments and for sharing your single/alone time efforts with me. I'm so glad to have you around these parts!

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  7. i know, i know! school is kicking my butt - but guess what? i have THREE weeks off for spring break! March 6-April 1 im yours

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  8. Oh, it will be so hard to leave Kai and Asher. I have been with Kai almost every day of his life since he was 4 months old. I am in love with that boy as though he were my own. I'm already heartbroken about not being a part of his every day life any more. I think maybe traveling would be the best way to distract me from the reality of it all. It might make the transition a little easier. Either way I want to do something special or important. I don't want to just resume my life the way it is going now. I need to make a change of some sort.

    I will be excited to hear what you decide to do! You're pretty inspirational to me.

    I found a couple of maps on ebay. They don't have a lot up right now but maybe more will pop up!

    http://cgi.ebay.com/Vintage-New-York-City-Poster-Print-Map-Hotel-Bristol-/230527853565?pt=Art_Prints&hash=item35ac87e3fd#ht_7911wt_1026

    http://cgi.ebay.com/38-VINTAGE-MAP-Plan-New-York-City-1867-ART-PRINT-/310296718262?pt=Art_Prints&hash=item483f202bb6#ht_500wt_922

    http://cgi.ebay.com/1800S-BIRDS-EYE-VIEW-MAP-NEW-YORK-CITY-VINTAGE-REPRO-P-/360344651752?pt=Art_Posters&hash=item53e63707e8#ht_2282wt_1141

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  9. I know exactly what you mean. I was a live-in nanny for one year in new york 6 years ago and had the youngest one at home with me every day. I was so in love with that little boy and would gladly have taken him home with me.
    He's almost 8 today and he still holds a very special place in my heart .. He really is the sweetest thing and a big part of the reason for my constant travelling to NY.

    Thank you for finding those maps on ebay - I really appreciate you taking the time to help me!

    oh and btw I understand what you're saying about needing some sort of change. I'm at that place too right now, and find myself almost desperate for a change of scenery. I feel like this is the perfect time for a change in my life, i'm just not sure what that change should be.
    So reading your thoughts on the subject is pretty inspirational to me too :)

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