june, please

a few more here.

I am home from my roadtrip to L.A. I want to go back so badly. I cried half of the way home today. I feel like I left a part of myself behind. :(

I wrote this in my sketch book Friday night:

1:43 am

I just got back to Grandma Redding's house after having coffee, ice cream & good talks with Anastasia and watching "Gone Baby, Gone" with Nate. I feel sick to my stomach knowing I have to drive home tomorrow. I love these friends so much. I don't want to leave them. They are so good for me.

I had a wonderful week. Staying in L.A. with Brette & Evan was so fun. We spent a lot of time walking, talking, enjoying the sunshine. There were times when I felt sad (it's hard to be the only single person in a group of happily married couples) but over all it was really great. I don't like L.A. as a city very much at all. It's dirty and in general the people there made me feel unwelcome. Anastasia and Nate felt the same way. However, I think I would easily be able to get over all of that if it meant I could be close to my friends. I haven't had friendships like this ever in my life. That's not to say that I've never had really wonderful friendships, because I have. But I have never had a group of friends that I felt that I was really a part of. I feel like these are the sort of friendships I've been searching for my entire life, but never could find. I feel so lucky and I don't ever want to lose this.

They make me feel like I'm great on every level - and they make each other feel great, too. Good feelings all around, all the time. It's such a rare and wonderful thing, I think. I know that constantly being submerged in a group of people like them would give my life richness that it has lacked for so long. Being around them makes me feel like a better me - and I love that. Anastasia will often turn to me and say, "I love you so much" or "You are so beautiful." She says all of the nice things that most people feel strange saying out loud - but she doesn't care. She is such a beautiful person (inside and out). She is so fun to be with. We laugh at all of the same things and almost too often say the exact same things at the same times. Her friendship makes me feel like I'm a valuable, important and special person. That's exactly what friendships and relationships should do. She told me that the first day we met, she felt like I was the missing piece to the puzzle in her life. It sounds so silly - but it was so sweet. She said she felt like she could look back on her childhood and see me in it - as if I had been there all along but she couldn't see me. I think she is my soul mate friend.

We (Anastasia, Nate & I) decided to leave Los Angeles on Wednesday afternoon because the Parson Red Heads were practicing that night and wouldn't be able to hang out with us anyway. So we said our teary goodbyes and drove to San Francisco to stay the night there. We got up early on Thursday and spent the day wandering around China Town, Russian Hill (had really good breakfast there) and Haight-Ashbury. I had not been to San Fran since my 18th Birthday. I love the architecture in that city. Anastasia and I wanted to live in just about every building we saw. We've been dreaming about moving there together ever since. We might do it in a year or so when she finishes up with school at SOU.

It will be hard to be without my friends (they feel like family) in Seattle. I often times feel all alone there. I love my home, I love my family, and I love the few friends that I do have there - but to be perfectly honest, I would leave it all to be with that group of people for a while. Plus, I must admit that I've thought about the fact that the type of people that they are only attracts more of those kinds of people - which means that maybe my chances of finding new love (someday - not yet) with a special boy would increase greatly. I don't think there is anyone in Seattle for me anymore. But regardless of that silly thought, I just know it would be so rewarding to spend even a small portion of my life with them. I am happy with them. They make my soul feel brighter.

In June, Anastasia has a week long break before starting summer school at SOU. We are planning on doing the same thing again only going for the entire week this time. Thom will be in L.A. by then (rather than Portland) which will make it even more fun (stopping to see him on my way home tomorrow - so excited!). We will also stay in SF for a couple of days on our way down. I can't wait.

I am living for June now.

Must sleep. Long drive ahead of me tomorrow.