conflict

Time is passing quickly. The summer months are flying by and fall will soon be here. As my tentative moving date draws nearer (October 10th, maybe), I've been fluctuating between confusion and uncertainty about my decisions, and then feeling assured and confident in them. So many emotions have been flooding my heart and mind. It seems like every day I'm feeling something different and I'm not quite sure which ones I should be paying most heed to. 

I look around at my life and, although it took me a while to get here again, I'm happy - albeit, I am a bit bored and lacking direction. I am surrounded by people that I love, my every day is fulfilled by "my" sweet boys, and the thought of being far away from them tears me up inside. I feel guilty for leaving, for disappearing from their lives without them being able to fully understand what's happening. I will absolutely maintain our relationship as I love them as though they were my own - but things will be different, and that definitely scares me. Sometimes I wonder if this attachment Kai and I have is healthy. After all, I am not his mother and just as reality is proving, I can't be with him forever. Time and distance may also alter some of my friendships - but I'm not so concerned about those, because as adults, our ability to communicate will help to keep our ties close. Kai however, no matter how much I try to explain it to him, just won't understand. Even a year ago when I was gone for two weeks - upon walking back in the door he was so angry with me for vanishing. He wouldn't look at me or speak to me for a full day. I felt so bad. I had expected him to run to me and smother me in hugs and kisses. Granted he is older now, but not so old that my departure will make complete sense to him. I fear he will be angry and hurt, and the thought of wounding him in any way is unbearable to me.

Leaving my home will be incredibly difficult in many ways - but all of those other things I can handle. To be perfectly honest, leaving Kai and Asher will be the most trying. Regardless of all of the good that surrounds me here - and I am so grateful for all of it, I know that I can't stick around and continue on in my life as it is. I feel stuck and unsure of what my next step should be. All I really want to do right now is venture out into lands unknown to me, with camera and journal in tow. If my sister and I can work everything out, then that is just what we'll do come winter. Nothing else sounds so exciting or right for me now. It is my hope that a step outside of familiar ground will help me to clear my mind and help me to sort some things out that I've been struggling with for as long as I can remember. I've been working on a lot for the past few years. I think I just need new experiences and a little break to get some fresh air and new perspectives.

PS. A side-note: Just as I was beginning to accept that I would be without a digital camera for a while, my nanny mom surprised me with a belated birthday present; a new camera to replace the one they originally gave me (which I broke). So sweet and generous! This dissolves so many minor setbacks I was worried about in regards to photographing the things I need to sell, and other various tasks that will help me to get organized for moving. Having an easy camera to tote around when traveling is a nice plus, too. I'm taking extra good care of this one - but I must say, I'm falling hard and fast for my analog.