I spent the fall and winter hiding away, trying to mend my heart and seek solace in the absence of the people that reminded me of why I was hurting so badly. It was not an easy thing to do. I felt so lonely without them - but I knew I would almost feel lonelier with them, as their company would only be a reminder of the one person in particular that was missing. After a long hibernation and healing, in March I finally responded to the phone calls I had ignored, and found that it was almost as though no time had passed at all. These people are my dear friends, my family, and immediately all felt right with the world. Since then I have been reassuming my old routines; visiting Jarred and Suli at their restaurants, going out on weekends and staying out way too late with everybody. Although our numbers have gone down from a year ago (many of us moved away), it is so easy to feel connected to the friends that are far when the few of us still here are together.
Last week was spent anticipating one of those faraway friends arrival. Scott was going to be in town since TMTS was playing a show, so as the weekend neared, emails were bouncing around with plans for the weekend. I was very excited for him to come up and for everybody to enjoy the sunshine we were expecting to have, and yet I was sad that Jess wouldn't be coming with him. (A week ago I was moping around, feeling so sad that she would be moving from LA back to Guam soon and that I wouldn't get to see her. The last time we were face to face was in July.)
Then on Friday morning, Jess called me as I was walking home after a coffee date with friends. She said she really needed to talk to me, and asked if we could skype when I got home. When I approached my building, I thought I saw her standing by the front door. I stopped in my tracks, staring at this girl with my mouth hanging open, trying to process this sight and wondering, Is that really Jess, or is this wishful thinking? It took me a moment, but soon we were screaming and laughing and smothering each other. It was the best surprise.
So the following days were full of all sorts of fun and all of (well, most of) the "family". We spent every meal together, stayed out late and acted our ages. The boys hadn't played a show in a year, and it was the first time they had played without Aaron, which seemed a little weird. Even still though, it was so much fun. I kept looking around at my friends with this silly grin. As I watched them dancing and singing along, all I could think about was how lucky I am to have these people in my life. It was a perfect weekend. I only wish everybody were still all in the same place so that we could keep this up all summer long, like we used to. I'm realizing now that I probably took this for granted in the past. I think it's rare to have a group of friends like this, one that is so close and so special.
I already miss Jess and Scott terribly - just as I have missed them ever since they moved down to LA. I miss Aaron, I miss my sister, and I will admit that I miss him, too - but my heart feels so much lighter the more time passes. I have my friends, I have the future and all of it's splendor and surprises to look forward to; picnics, barbecues, birthday parties, swimming, brunches, late nights, music and mischief.
Life is looking up.