I am feeling a crazy mix of emotions right now, I'm not sure what to do with them all. I am elated about creating and doing so much last week. The show yesterday (thanks to all who came out!) was great, I felt so honored to be included in it. The space was beautiful, the music was awesome, the people were so kind - it was such a fun time. I fear I was acting like a jerk, though. I was so nervous and felt self-conscious and felt pretty vulnerable. I've never really displayed anything quite like that in a public setting (outside of the internet!) for people to form opinions about. I was able to calm down after many of my sweet, supportive and amazing friends showed up (and my wonderful father! What a guy!). I felt protected by the familiarity and comfort of their hugs and faces. I was able to emerge from inside their circle of love once I felt a little less crazy.
It felt so amazing to be so creatively productive over the past seven days. I not only did all of this work for the show with Christine (gem of a woman!), but lent a hand/eye/camera for a project with the lovely Miss Ashley Helvey last weekend, which was so much fun. I'm really looking forward to the possibility of working with her again.
Now all of the excitement is dying down a bit, and I have the time to stop and realize that tomorrow I must return to real life. I have to face that I have only two days left with Kai, and to be perfectly honest, I don't think I'm emotionally prepared for it. I've had so much time to think about it and get ready for the day - but it's impossible to process all of these feelings at once. I'm also panicking a little bit about what to do at the end of this month. I suppose now is as good of a time as ever to confess that I am not prepared to move to New York - at all - and I'm not sure that I will follow through on that plan (I will touch on this more later, and explain some of the things that go hand-in-hand with that decision). There have been so many signs that I feel are telling me to stay put right now. Lots of creative opportunities -- but I still need to find a job. Eek.
I keep wishing I could hide in last week and never come out!