looking forward

Dear Anastasia,

All I want right now is you.

Sometime soon the sun will come out, and I will pack my bags, hop on a train and make my way South. You and I will spend some much deserved time together like we have in magical pockets of the past. I will pack a disposable and take pictures of everything beautiful. We will eat a large, delicious brunch every day and swim the afternoons away. We will pack picnic dinners and find a quiet place to search for constellations and satellites. We will take long walks and eat ice cream cones three times a day. We will snuggle up and watch those stilly ghost shows that you like. You will make me laugh the way that only you can. You will make my heart light.

It will be refreshing, wonderful, dreamy. It will be like all of the shades of pink that make me feel so glad.

So my sweet friend, this is my plan. What do you say?

sunday & stuff

I started my Sunday slowly, lounging about, drinking tea, clicking around the internet, watching a movie my uncle lent me. There were scenes in the movie that had me wishing I lived in a white house with a sun room, nestled up to a river in the English countryside and my only means of transportation was a small, wooden rowboat. It would serve well for afternoon tea and cake with my friends, star gazing at night and endless amounts of swimming and sun bathing in the summertime. Sounds like a dream to me.

It was a rainy, blustery, chilly day but after hiding away from the weather for most of the weekend, I decided to venture out to the Ballard farmer's market. I toted along with me my terrarium that I built several months ago at The Palm Room and the smoky glass container which once contained a plant that I somehow managed to kill. The girl that works there (I feel terrible for not knowing her name by now, I go in there so often) is always so sweet and helpful. She and the owner helped me to give my terrarium some encouragement, and also provided me with a new Purple Ruffled Peperomia. I originally picked out that plant because of it's purply-pink stems and was awfully sad when I slowly and unintentionally took it's life. They had only one left when I popped in today; we were meant to be. I am determined to do a better job this time.

There was a small estate sale in an emptied out shop along Ballard Avenue, where I found a few new dishes and a tiled table with brass legs for a very small sum ($12!). I think I may be accumulating a little too much furniture for this small space, so after I scrounge up the money to buy this bookcase (as a room divider) and this desk - I'll be done. I think. The table is good, though, because it encourages me to sit in my pink chair which typically, until now, has only served as something to look at. 

Due to the weather, I spent a lot of my time indoors this weekend, wondering, reflecting... Perhaps too much. I've written a few things and then left them alone, never being able to really figure out how to explain or express what I've been feeling. Or I suppose the real problem was, I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I think I have it figured out now. 

Time is moving in a strange way. It has been nearly six months since I moved into this apartment, only about four months since my heart's last disaster, and just three months since I had a real break from this city. Yet it seems that all of these things either just happened, happened ages ago, or are lost somewhere in between. My feelings, regarding my heart specifically, are so confused and I often feel like I'm on the fritz. Last week was especially strange for me, in addition to my heart troubles, between being harassed on the bus and then smashing my thumb - everything felt all too negative and unfair. I am feeling much better now, however I'm beginning to sound like I might be a bit emotionally off balance - and apparently, hormonally, I am. 

I never really divulge any sort of real personal information here, but it's becoming all too clear to me that it's showing through in a rather unattractive way - even here. So, I guess I would like to clear things up. I was informed by my doctor a few weeks ago that I have very low progesterone levels, which is most likely the cause of many a trouble. For example; anxiety, skin problems (which make me feel horribly ugly and thus, depressed), insomnia, emotional instability, etc. These are all things I have been struggling with and they are all things that are normally not an issue for me. I had been assuming all along that it was strictly due to all of the changes in my life, all of the adjusting - the struggle of being alone, having a broken heart and trying to figure out my place in my new and scary life. I never considered that perhaps there might be something more going on, and I must say, in some way it is a relief that it's not all in my head or heart. 

I could go into how this happened, but that's more information than I think I need to share. What matters is that I now know what's going on inside of my body and what needs to be done to fix it. Needless to say, until we can get everything regulated and back to normal, I might remain a little bit crazy. So, thank you for the support that so many of you give me, be you friends or strangers - who in so many ways have become my friends, too. I am on a bit of a difficult journey right now, but I trust that there will be a resumption of calm and peace eventually, and hopefully soon.

And with that, I hope you all had a lovely and restful weekend.

mmhmm

I would like to wear this outfit. 

Opening Ceremony, Gauzy Smocked Tee, $310

a real winter wonderland

 I spent the night on my parent's couch the other night and when I awoke, I was greeted by beautiful views of a snowy morning. The sun was rising and casting a pink glow on the few clouds that were hovering in the early blue sky. The snow makes everything so still and peaceful; even more so there.

Just one more reason it will be hard to let our home go.

morning calm

I've been anxiously awaiting the arrival of these pretty soaps from Hwasoon at Morning Calm. I love her shop. Her photography is lovely and clean (which is what all of us want our skin to be and far from what mine has been lately. Stress? Hormones? A lack of hormones? I'm still trying to get to the bottom of it). 

The soaps are making their way from the other side of the world - but I do hope they get here soon. I cannot wait to try them! I ordered the French White Clay soap and one of her bundles of Happy Endings soaps. 

I am planning to pay my uncle a visit today. I would have really liked to bake him a yummy treat, but with my dumb little injury, it makes it a bit difficult. I tried last night and it all just got too messy. I've found that without a thumb, putting on a bra, buttoning a coat or shirt and washing my hair are all difficult if not almost impossible tasks. Perhaps with more practice I would master it. (After all, Aron Ralston cut off his own arm and he seems to be getting along just fine. My dad was watching him on a game show the other night; he was winning thousands of dollars for accomplishing all sorts of funny things that I'm sure I couldn't do even with two hands.) I will refrain from complaining when I visit Unc today, though. I'm embarrassed to admit to him how painful a thumb-in-a-door is to me when he has far worse and entirely more traumatic injuries than myself. 

Maybe I'm a bigger baby than I thought. 

bath time on a cold & snowy day

It's moments like these that I wish would last forever. But then, he'd be one prune of a baby.

PS. It's easier to type now that my thumb is in a splint and feeling slightly less assaulted than yesterday. I'm almost positive my finger nail will fall off eventually, which I am dreading. The day that it decides to depart from my thumb will probably be a bit horrifying. The thought of bare thumbnail skin makes me cringe!

metrode

My friend Caitlin is opening a new shop and just shared some of the images of what will soon be available. I love these pictures so much; they are so soft and pretty. I am really looking forward to seeing the site when it's done and, need I even say, do some shopping! Soon you can do the same at shopmetrode.com.

On a different note entirely, I closed a car door on my thumb this evening. There was a lot of blood and tears, but it doesn't appear to be broken. It's rather difficult to type as quickly as I'd like to with one hand, so I may go on a bit of a blogging break for a day or two.

a little lost

I was suddenly inspired to hang one of the several framed artworks that have been in a pile on the floor for months now.  This vintage map of Berlin was given to me by my friend Claire, not long after I had traveled there.

I still dream of Germany often and it's memory pulls on my heartstrings. In tired moments, like the one I just expressed earlier this evening, the notion of moving far away sounds like the solution to my problems. A fresh start, a new environment full of possibilities could be the cure to much of what has been ailing me lately. Seattle seems to have nothing to offer me right now. Other than a handful of friends and my family, (which are all incredibly important things to me) I am bored, lonely and find myself wrestling with a passionless life. My skills and talents do not make my time, in the grand scheme of things, feel fruitful.

I spent my entire day in the kitchen, baking a lemon meringue tart for my uncle, and while at the time it made me feel good, it wasn't until I sat down and shared it with him that the time and labor was worth while. I love creating things in general, because then I get to share them with others. If it weren't for that opportunity, I wouldn't do any of it.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I was made to be a nurturer. I invest myself in people and in my surroundings. Baking a tart or illustrating a poster isn't enough for me on it's own. For the past six months I have been pouring myself into all kinds of creative projects, and while I feel proud of them for a moment, it is all fleeting. I need something and someone to care for - that is what makes me flourish. That does not mean, however, that I find my self worth in the love of someone else. It's simply that without companionship, without someone close to experience these things with me, it all just feels rather empty. I have learned how to enjoy being alone, but at the end of the day, when I am by myself in my empty home, all I really want is someone to love and share my life with.

The solitary chair at my tiny kitchen table strikes me as such a sad image every time I look at it. I want a table for two! And yet that is something that I cannot exactly go out and search for, it's something that will come on it's own.

So what am I to do in the meantime? How do I find that fulfillment in my singleness? I am struggling to find the answers and feel so disheartened at times. Perhaps I am looking in the wrong places, but they seem impossible to find.

tired

I really need a significantly good change in my life. Please universe, send something my way.

done

As per usual, I waited until the last minute to begin this project. I've been working on this for the past 8 hours and now, finally, I can sleep!

Listen to The Parson Red Heads.

breathless

all that heaven allows

"At night when I'm in bed, I can see the stars in the sky."

I want to live in this house and I want Ron Kirby to be my husband. I have such a huge crush on Rock Hudson, even though he didn't swing my way.

Stills from All that Heaven Allows, 1955. 

journals, sketchbooks & daily planners

Bed ridden and slightly bored, I found myself leafing through memories of the past few years. I tend to mix up my schedules, ideas, sketches, recipes and thoughts, not keeping them contained in their intended places. None of it is at all organized (which is probably the only area of my life that isn't. I can be a little manic about making sure everything is in it's right place). 

I had forgotten many of the things I had written about; dreams I had to scrawl down after awaking in the middle of the night, conversations with someone that I wanted to keep, thoughts on the ones I love or moments I wanted to last forever. I haven't been doing much of this lately and I probably should be. It's nice to look back and remember where I've been and be able to clearly see where I've come since then. 

in the morning

Most days I leave home around 8am to catch the bus; the skies are just getting light but the sun is not high enough to peek through my windows. When I return home it is dark, so I hardly ever get to enjoy the daylight in my own home.

This morning I rose early to take my parents to the airport, and when I returned it was that time of the morning when the sun greets my apartment with a happy, warm glow. Sun spots are so calming. Sometimes when they appear on the building across the street from me, I sit at my kitchen table and just look at them. The sun recharges my heart and spirit.

It's going to be a beautiful day. It's a shame that I have to commit myself to lots of bed rest, but I feel so exhausted and sick. Luckily I have a four day weekend, giving lots of time to regain my health. Maybe I'll be able to make an outing later for more tea, ginger, lemon and soup.

The sun spots have moved through my apartment and are on their way to grace someone else's home, so now I can tuck myself in and get some more sleep without feeling like I'm missing something special.

07.10.09

The summer of 2009 was the best summer of my life. The weather was amazing, I had the lovliest group of ladies that I spent nearly all of my time with, eating ice cream cones and swimming daily. At the time, I was also falling in love. Everything was easy and beautiful. When I remember that summer, I become incredibly wistful; my heart swells and all I can recall is magic. Kai was only 11 months old, and we would spend our afternoons laying in the back yard under a big white tent. We read books, napped and watched for bugs in the grass. If I had to choose one time in my life to return to, that would be the one. 

When Kai woke up from his nap today, he wanted to "play K-A-I" (meaning, he wanted to type his name over and over again on the computer. Kai is 2 and a half and he can count over 20, spell his name, knows his alphabet and can read - or at least recognize some words). Instead we found ourselves looking through the hundreds of photos and videos I've managed to accumulate over the years since I became his nanny. It's probably a little silly, but a strong sense of nostalgia washed over me when I saw this little video; the light from the sun pouring in through the windows, the birds chirping, and Kai's sweet pre-talking baby noises. I can tell just from the look on my face how happy and at peace I was during that time. 

I cannot wait for days like those to return, and I trust that they will. Hopefully soon.

I want to wear these in the spring

1. The Nubuck Seaside Sandal, $148
2. The Nubuck Silverlake Sandal, $148

should I?

Lately Kai has been asking me every day, "Did you get a haircut today, Ah-yee?" I haven't had a hair cut in nearly 6 months. He may only be two years old, but he has smarts - so I'm wondering if he's trying to kindly hint at something. Besides, it's probably about time and I am growing a little bored with how long it is. After seeing this shoot on Closet Visit the other day, I've been toying with the idea of chopping it all off. Although, in the past this has proven to be a mistake, so I am a little weary... And long hair is so pretty.

I don't know.

sick again

I have had a miserable cold all week. One of the symptoms seems to be a lost mind. Yesterday at work, I couldn't remember where I had put the baby. I searched frantically for him and five minutes later, discovered him swaddled safely on the couch where I had placed him just moments before.

My head does not appear to be attached to my body. I haven't a single interesting thought or idea to share. So until I do, my life is tea, toast, tissues and episodes of Arrested Development.

true

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you’re getting this down.” - Woody Allen


Via Yvonne Georgina.

valentines, shmalentines

Some things from Miss Comey that I think I deserve... If only I could afford them - even just one! Any of these would have made a lovely valentine, if I had an admirer. Of course I am just dreaming, I would never expect something so generous for a silly holiday such as this - or for any holiday or non-holiday, for that matter.

I still want those boots very badly (black or cream? I cannot decide). And, I am mad at myself for not buying this blouse back when I had the means to do so. 

I feel I should mention, that today I actually did receive a wonderful surprise in the mail; a set of new Victorinox knives, with rosewood handles, from my parents. They were my Christmas gift, but only just arrived today. Perfect timing, I must say! I was so impatient to use them that as soon as I got home, I rushed to the grocery store to buy things that I could cut up. I made myself a nice dinner with plenty of vegetables which required lots of slicing and dicing. For dessert I cut up some strawberries to put atop some chocolate ice cream; a nice little Valentines treat for one.

Three valentines also arrived in my mail box today - one from each grandma and one from my sweet friend Jess (how I miss you!). All were lovely and uplifting. 

So, "harumph" to Valentine's Day romance (says the jaded single girl). Who needs it!? Actually, in all honesty, I didn't feel bad, not even a little bit, that it was Valentine's Day today. So for that I am quite impressed with myself!

1. Butterfly Pullover, 2. Ruse Dress, 3. Galley Check Boatneck Blouse, 4. Lone Clog, 5. Miner Boot, 6. Blackjack Blouse.

Images via La Garconne.